Last night was pretty scary :/ Glad it’s all over now. Ah wells I don’t wanna miss training but it seems I have no choice eh? Guess I just gotta get better fast (: Somehow I feel so helpless when I have to miss trainings like that. I feel so behind the others. And I’ve put aside all hope of getting what I want. I’ll just be content with what I’ll get. But contentment’s hard to find when I know how much I want it yet I’ll never reach my goal. Everyone says “no no you cant be this” or “nonsense you have to be that” so much till I know no matter how hard I try, I’ll never reach my goal. I guess no one can understand much either. Everything that comes out of their mouth are words of comfort with no meaning. Temporary relief. Yet deep down inside, I’m not contented and no words of comfort will keep me from the truth. Words of comfort wont bring my dream any closer. I want it so much yet I can’t have it. I know I have to try and live with it. I’m trying hard but sometimes, I wonder if my dream can come true. If it does, I’d be so happy. But it ain’t gonna happen is it?
Ah wells, there’s no use getting sad and upset. I’ll just focus on getting better so I can start training again.

Alright I’m kinda bored now so decided to blog a little. Haha. Should be staying in bed but ah wells, I don’t wanna grow into a pig :/ heh. Well yesterday ah jie and me went to westmall and we watched WILD HOGS *grins* The movie was kinda funny haha but the theatre was so so so so COLD and kt and me were freezing :/ So we shared ah jie’s jacket between us haha. Didn’t help much I think. I was so cold that I started sitting on my hands but I remembered I had jersey pants on and I didn’t wanna dirty them haha. Oh yeah did I mention, I bought my jersey pants yesterday The white and black Converse ones. But it’s white so I gotta be careful not to dirty them (:

Anyway, before the movie, ah jie and me went to play basketball at the court near her house. And we saw loads of little kids walking everywhere. So I decided to be friendly and say hi to them. But everytime I said hi to a kid, she’d run away really really quickly :/ Ah jie and me started laughing like hyenas and I laughed so much that I rolled unoto the floor heh. And ah jie and I concluded that Singaporean kids are TOO unfriendly haha. Maybe their parents taught them to “never talk to strangers” but they could have just said hi :/ haha.

Well after we got tired, we went to the shop near the court and bought a drink. Then we started discussing about hamsters. Haha I think it was cause I was talking about how momo was really getting fat and ah jie said she liked her taht way cause it was CUTER. Haha and I told her that she might die of obesity but she still insisted she liked hamsters to be CHUBBY :/ Then we talked about getting hamsters of our own and since ah jie wanted hers chubby, she said to name my hamster chubby and I was all “NO WAY MANS” haha. Then she said she wanted to name hers fattybombom and I said that we should get twin hamsters and call one fatty and the other bom bom *grins* So when we put them in the same cage, we could say “look at fatty and bom bom” Haha.

Well Regina’s kidna nagging at me now. Guess I should get back to bed. She’s kinda irritated that she has to tend for mum AND me. But I already told her she didn’t need to look after me cause I could get better realy quickly but she didn’t trust me :/ POO haha. Ah wells I’ll go watch tv or something. Keep my mind off boredom byeee

Baby why can’t we just start all over again
Get it back to the way it was

Alright no point getting all emo and sad (: We CAN control our emotions (: so YES i’m gonna start singing and dancing around the house haha. “Just tell yourself i’ll be ok” ladida

Anyway hedghog is a little boy you said so yourself mans hahaha but im a BIG BIG BIG girl now heh. And you can’t say anything now so I WIN *grins* Anyway, i finished the bar of dars chocolate this morning. It tasted okay but it wasn’t bitterenough heh weird eh? People like their chocolates to be sweet and creamy and all of that but i want mine BITTER. Maybe i’m just craving for the ones in America. CHOCOLATE FACTORY’S CHOCOLATE IS REAL GOOD *beams* Brings back sweet sweet memories of the past mans. Oh oh oh and i remember the reese chocolate! Yum! heh the stupid piggy loved that too

Yeah anyway, i sorta guesses it was infatuation haha. So i aint gonna get upset mans. Haha. Training tomorrow Outdoor court too. Haha think i’ll get real tanned mans. I’m gonna look ten times darker no one’d recognize me Well I feel guilty missing training on wednesday. Wish we didn’t have the film studies thing. Lucky people who get to go on non-training days. Haha nevermind i’ll work extra hard tomorrow to make up for it

Well guess i’m gonna go now BYE mans!

Phew mum’s okay. Don’t really know what happened but she seems alright now (: Well, somehow, I know that deep down inside I love her. I love her and want her to change so bad. But everytime I try to express worry or concern or love, anger comes out instead. I try to express it, but when I think back to the times she made life so difficult for our family, it just all turns into anger somehow. Everything she does makes it so hard for me to show her I love her. And it makes it hard for the rest too.

Piggy, I know you know what I mean. But no more talk of going to kill the “toad” or dump her on the streets alright? She’s my mother and I love her. Guess the only person who’d ever understand is you piggy (: Or maybe it’s because of how close we are and all. Sometimes I wonder where I’ll ever find someone else like you.Yet I know we’re all different and I shouldn’t judge others compared to you.

Wish dad wouldn’t be coming home. He’d only make me worry more. But if my dad doesn’t come back when mum tells him to, she’d get mad and there’d be another quarrel. Ahwells it ain’t as bad as it seems I guess. I AM more fortunate than some others out there. So I guess should appreciate what I got while I have them. But jeez, sometimes it’s just hard to stop wanting something better.

Phew mum’s okay. Don’t really know what happened but she seems alright now (: Well, somehow, I know that deep down inside I love her. I love her and want her to change so bad. But everytime I try to express worry or concern or love, anger comes out instead. I try to express it, but when I think back to the times she made life so difficult for our family, it just all turns into anger somehow. Everything she does makes it so hard for me to show her I love her. And it makes it hard for the rest too.

Piggy, I know you know what I mean. But no more talk of going to kill the “toad” or dump her on the streets alright? She’s my mother and I love her. Guess the only person who’d ever understand is you piggy (: Or maybe it’s because of how close we are and all. Sometimes I wonder where I’ll ever find someone else like you.Yet I know we’re all different and I shouldn’t judge others compared to you.

Wish dad wouldn’t be coming home. He’d only make me worry more. But if my dad doesn’t come back when mum tells him to, she’d get mad and there’d be another quarrel. Ahwells it ain’t as bad as it seems I guess. I AM more fortunate than some others out there. So I guess should appreciate what I got while I have them. But jeez, sometimes it’s just hard to stop wanting something better.

When will my reflection show who I am inside? This song kinda holds a meaning for me. Somehow, I kinda feel that way too. Alright sorry for another “emo” post but I just want to blog on how I feel. Isn’t it strange that although we only have one life, most of us spend it acting like someone else we arent? What do we actually fear? Do we fear rejection? Humiliation? Embarrassment?

It’s natural for all of us to fear rejection or embarrassment but somehow, I feel like I’m living somebody’s else’s life. I’m trying hard to please everyone. I’m trying hard to make everyone feel better. But am I satisfied with myself?After watching the film today, I realised that after we die, our bodies just decompose and we return back o the Earth. The body isn’t the most important. What is most important is the soul inside. Who we really are. Nowadays, we’re all too afraid to do what we wanna do, wear what we wanna wear. We’re afraid to be laughed at, considered “goofy” or “nerdy” or “old fashioned”. What happened to the days where everyone accepted everyone? Now, we’re judged on what we wear, how we behave. And when we aren’t the same as the others, we get rejected and rumours about us fly behind our backs. Though all of us secretly try to pretend that we are who we are, inside, some of us know that there’s a restriction. We can never really behave like how we want to, or say what we want to say.

I admit, i used to be one of the people who commented about everything. Looks, hair, clothes. I used to degrade the rest. I’m ashamed of it, but all I can say is that I might have done it to make me feel better about myself. I despised people who did that, yet I forget that I used to be one of them. I realise that people usualy do it to try and fit in. By making others laugh, they feel superior, and they feel powerful. I’m not gonna hide from myself anymore. I’m not here to type fanciful things about myself to make people like me better. I’m here to write about my thoughts, and how I really feel. I just want to say that I’m sorry to all those whom I’ve degraded, to whom I’ve offended. Others might laugh at my comments, but I know how it feels to be laughed at, and to feel embarrassment creeping up to you. It isn’t a nice feeling. I know that if I were in that position, I’d feel very bad too. So what I’m saying now might not make a change anywhere. People out there might still act like someone else, be someone they are not in fear of rejection and humiliation. But I know that I’m going to change. There might not be a big difference. But what really leads to everyone being insecure and not accepted is the fear of what others might think. So if I praised, and not degrade just one person, perhaps that person might feel more comfortable, and start to praise others too.

I have this cup in front of me now. And it says ” You may only be a person in the world. But for someone, you may be the world” We never know how much difference we can make until we try can we? So I’m gonna try to make a difference. It may do some good, it may not, but I know, I’m gonna try.

Yay hedgehog can make it on thursday. Heh. So guess we’ll go to the jap place or smth. I dont know ah wells. Luckily xiao wen’s coming at 6 something. So I won’t have to gulp down my lunch or something Haha and oh yeah, I went to ntuc today and I didn’t know which chicken to buy for home ec :/ I was all blurred out cause there was so many and I didn’t know which one to choose. But decided on the wings cause it was the most convenient

Anyway, dad’s overseas now so I guess i gotta wake up early tmr :/ Haha it ain’t the waking up I’m worried about. It’s the fact that I will most probably sleep in the bus and maybe miss the stop :/ Haha well nevermind I shall trust my basic instincts to wake me up *grins*

Well today went quite well. There was film studies after school for two hours. Was basically reading and thinking about stuff. Don’t think many people were paying attention either haha. And I got so bored I even started scribbling song lyrics at the back of my worksheet :/ Heh.

Anyway, I guess many of us are afraid and worried for c div. Though we offer loads of comfort, we can never know how each person is really feeling inside can we? I know how it is to feel helpless and useless. But I can’t say much. Though I can only offer words of comfort, it is only temporary comfort. Our real battle is within ourselves. We must make sure that we are prepared mentally. We must be strong mentally and physically. So you guys, it’s alright to breakdown. Just pick yourself up again and learn. And only in that way will we grow to be stronger (: I know we can do it. Come on c div! (:

Okay I’m kinda in the school computer lab now. Really really bored :/ We’re supposed to do some kinda video thing and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO IT -.- This kinda thinkg ain’t for me. Maybe I shall ask joel later. Haha (:

Ohmans this computer’s really nice. Heh hope the teacher can’t see what I’m doing mans. Haha this’s so weird okay I’m gonna wearch on my vids now and stupid vera toh’s laughing like crazy next to me now ovr some stupid video. Haha ohgod she’s totally shaking like crazy haha. And zeshan and vera’s doing some weird chanting thingy.

OH I GET WHAT THEY’RE DOING. Omg that video’s soooo funny hahahaha. Damn funny think i’m gonna watch it again later hahahaha. “family guy” or smth hahahaha. Okay i gotta go do my vid now. I’ll post when i get home again. BYE

Okay I’m kinda in the school computer lab now. Really really bored :/ We’re supposed to do some kinda video thing and I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DO IT -.- This kinda thinkg ain’t for me. Maybe I shall ask joel later. Haha (:

Ohmans this computer’s really nice. Heh hope the teacher can’t see what I’m doing mans. Haha this’s so weird okay I’m gonna wearch on my vids now and stupid vera toh’s laughing like crazy next to me now ovr some stupid video. Haha ohgod she’s totally shaking like crazy haha. And zeshan and vera’s doing some weird chanting thingy.

OH I GET WHAT THEY’RE DOING. Omg that video’s soooo funny hahahaha. Damn funny think i’m gonna watch it again later hahahaha. “family guy” or smth hahahaha. Okay i gotta go do my vid now. I’ll post when i get home again. BYE